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Let me tell you something, trying to be the truest, most vibrant version of the REAL you that’s inside is messy, scary work.
The past seven years of my life have been a journey inward, asking myself “Who am I REALLY?” so that I can build a life around that true self.
It didn’t happen all at once; it was more like a slow unveiling.
Every year that I got older, it was like I was able to shed a new layer of myself that wasn’t quite me.
This year the layer that pretended to like the same things as my friends in college.
The next year the layer that convinced myself I wasn’t possibly an artist.
The next year the protective layer that tried to hide how emotional and sensitive I truly am.
It’s like when you’ve painted over multiple nail polish colors and you keep cotton swabbing each one away until you get down to your natural nail and you say “Ohhh… so that’s what they look like under there.” (What’s that? No one else but me does that? Okay, just checking.)
Anyway, I’m always meditating on this idea of revealing our true selves (as you’ve probably noticed by now) so I was ruminating about all of this when I came across a video from Brené Brown talking about “The Anatomy Of Trust.”
It was fascinating, and it got me thinking about who we entrust with our true selves. Who do we allow ourselves to BE TRULY SEEN in front of?
That’s when this important question came to me, which I promptly posed to my Instagram community:
“What’s the one thing you love about yourself that you MOST FEAR being rejected for?”
It occurred to me that all the times I’ve felt the most understood, the most truly seen in my life were the times when I revealed something about myself that I feared being rejected for, only to be warmly embraced instead.
For me, that means showing my deep sensitivity, something I used to be so afraid to show people for fear of looking weak or weird or for making people uncomfortable.
Throughout my entire life, this is the one personality trait that has made me feel like a bit of a black sheep. I love the cathartic feeling of a good cry or empathizing with a character in a story so much that their emotions feel real to me. I can sense a stranger’s joy or pain simply by being near them and love pondering life’s biggest questions for hours with a friend over coffee. That kind of depth and emotion is so much a part of who I am, and yet growing up I felt that there was something about it that wasn’t quite “normal.” So I hid that part of myself for a long time.
But in doing that — in hiding the things that make us feel like US — we rob ourselves of the true joy of being accepted and understood.
As Glennon Doyle says in her book Love Warrior:
“I’m not a mess but a deeply feeling person in a messy world. I explain that now, when someone asks me why I cry so often, I say, ‘For the same reason I laugh so often–because I’m paying attention.’ I tell them that we can choose to be perfect and admired or to be real and loved. We must decide.”
How beautiful is that (and how true.) We can pretend we’re something we’re not because we think it will make others like us more (or at least not reject us) but we can’t do that AND be loved as our true selves.
It’s a choice we must make to lean into our authenticity, even if it’s scary.
The irony that emerges in embracing your inner black sheep is that you become a beacon of light for others like you to find you. You end up ringing so true and shining so bright that is allows people to see themselves in your being… which ultimately leads to more belonging, not less.
You may lose the few friends or connections that “don’t get you” but if you shine long enough and bright enough, trust me you will attract many more that in fact DO.
This is why it’s SO important for me to make sure that I weave my deep sensitivity into all the creative work that I do. It’s why I tackle these big, juicy topics in this newsletter. It’s why I share my emotions on Instagram. It’s why I directly declare that this community is for soulful creatives — people like you who aren’t afraid of a little self-reflection.
It’s actually the filter I use when determining what projects to pursue. I simply ask myself: Which of these ideas allows me to share the black sheep parts of me?
Your inner black sheep holds the key to your superpower.
“Your inner black sheep holds the key to your superpower.”
That thing you’re afraid to show the world — that you’re irreverent or idealistic or weird or nerdy or sad or quiet — within that thing not only lies your ability to stand in your uniqueness but your ability to feel understood.
You are CRAZY special and the world wants to know you. Let us see you for who you really are.
When I think about how I want to be remembered at the end of my life, the thing that most comes to mind is that I want people to say “she was fiercely and courageously herself.” What about you?
If you’re looking for an article that is going to help you “get rich quick” or discover “the magic bullet to overnight happiness” this is not that article. This article is some real-talk about what it actually takes to succeed as an entrepreneur.
Now would be a good time to leave if you’re searching for a silver bullet or overnight success hack. For those of you still with me, let’s get real.
There are people in this world that will tell you there’s a formula for success. That you can read one self-help book and learn the 13 Steps To Ultimate Riches and Happiness. You might even be able to find a podcast about becoming a millionaire in just 7 minutes per day. But the majority of the people creating those types of messages are doing one specific thing: Playing a psychological game with you and convincing you to buy/consume their substance-less product.
Now, of course, there are exceptions to this rule. There are people who create amazingly helpful content that can steer you in the right direction to building a business and a life that brings you true success and happiness. But rarely do those people pitch success and happiness as fame, fortune, etc.
I have reached a level of success and happiness that I am extremely proud of. Do I have a formula for you to follow? Do I have a simple set of steps that can be accomplished in one sitting? I do not. But what I do have is a set of tenets that have helped me, that continue to help me, and that I know will help you on your journey.
I believe the tenets I’m about to share with you apply to both life and business. These are not absolutes. These do not need to be read or followed in any step-by-step fashion. Some of these will even come and go.
I’m about to give you a list of factors that will help improve your success as an entrepreneur. These are things I’ve learned the hard way that are necessary to stick with working for yourself during the ups and downs.
For a decade I’ve owned multiple businesses and while some things get easier, a lot of stuff stays exactly the same.
We live in a world filled with messages around 4-hour workweeks, miracle mornings, and so many other concepts that, without discipline, are useless. I’m not against these ideas AT ALL, but the important thing many of them gloss over is that YOU have to be the master of your own domain. You have to get yourself out of bed each day. You have to sit in the chair and do the work. YOU have to push yourself and be your own spark of motivation first.
What is it that you are setting out to do in this world? Who are the people you want to surround yourself with? You don’t have to want to make an incredible change or impact on the world (you certainly can though). But you do need a vision. You need an idea. You need something that’s bigger than you. If you’ve never had something to strive for before, that’s okay. Start with something small. Work toward recognizing that vision. Once you can grasp it in your hands, find a new vision and work toward that one.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but things will go wrong. You will hit roadblocks. Your business will stumble and you’ll be affected by it in many ways you can’t see coming. Part of what makes all entrepreneurs successful is not their ability to avoid challenges it’s their ability to overcome and bounce back from them.
You didn’t think there were just three traits, did you? Truthfully, there are probably even more than I’m listing here but these are the ones that stand out and have helped me the most.
This is where it starts and this is the secret sauce. I do not know a single person who has poured countless amounts of effort into something and gotten zero results. Unfortunately, results do not always equal money. Results can sometimes be important lessons needed to be learned. Effort is necessary, and luckily for you, you are in complete control of how much effort you can put into your business and relationships. Effort is not limitless and should not be overused. You must take breaks from effort so that you can reflect, learn, iterate, and make changes.
All success comes with sacrifice. A business is not created by magically adding three extra hours to the end of a 24-hour day. A relationship is not improved by staying exactly the same and making no changes. Sacrifices must be made to achieve success. Those sacrifices can come in many forms and can come at many unexpected times. But you must ask yourself when you’re staring potential sacrifices in the face, “does doing this help me or hinder me from achieving what I want?” Prepare yourself for sacrifices. They may be some of the most fulfilling things you can do.
It is impossible to please everyone. Whether you’re putting your business out in the world or you’re putting yourself in front of new people, you will get turned down. You will get denied. You might even get harassed to some degree. Building up thick skin takes time. If you’re just getting started, unkind words will affect you. But the more you understand that the opinions of other people don’t matter if they aren’t in alignment with what you’re striving for in life, then the better off you will be.
You will need help. You will need someone by your side. Having support is a shortcut to overcoming obstacles and failures. Pride is a tricky thing. Asking for help can feel embarrassing and uncomfortable. But true growth comes after getting through uncomfortable moments. And even if you were to succeed by doing everything on your own, who would you share your success with it? Success is a drink much sweeter when shared.
It takes digging deep. It takes getting through rough patches. It takes hunkering down and not accepting things for the way they’ve always been. There will be pivotal moments. There will be times when you have extremely difficult decisions to make. Are you going to have what it takes to clench your fists and fight for what you believe in and want in life?
You have to put in the work. You have to make it a priority to regularly and repeatedly take action. No one says you have to consistently do things well. No one says you have to be perfect. No one starts out doing everything the right way. You simply have to show up and show up often.
Be unapologetically you. It’s easy to copy the success of others. It’s easy to make money following the tactics of other people. But you won’t enjoy the rewards that come with copying and emulation. Unauthentic success is a hollow success. You might not believe me if you haven’t experienced this for yourself before. But following the footsteps of others, and ignoring the uniqueness of your own footsteps, will lead you down a lonely path. Be true to who you are and don’t fight what separates you from the rest of the people in the world. Appreciate your difference.
These are just the building blocks. You must search within yourself to find the additional tenets that matter most to you and that need your attention.
I know it could just be that I’m primed to see digital products everywhere because that’s my primary business model these days, but there’s a part of me that is starting to feel like the walls are closing in a little bit.
Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a beautiful thing that people are teaching others what they know, and that, in the process, they’re able to create joyful lives full of flexibility and freedom — heck, I’m one of those people, and I’m a prime example of the value and impact that online learning can add to a person’s life!
BUT, if I’m being honest, it can be difficult to run a business in an arena that seems to be getting larger and more crowded by the day.
Every time I come up for air I feel like I’m seeing a new blog, a new podcast, a new brand, a new webinar. He’s doing it bigger, she’s doing it better, they’re all doing it faster and smarter and OH MY GOSH HOW WILL I EVER STAY RELEVANT?
Any of that ring a bell? Hopefully it’s not just me.
Tell me if this sounds familiar…
Let me tell you what, boy have I’ve been there. More times than I can count, in fact.
Those dreaded comparison gremlins not only have the power to drive you crazy, but they find small and sneaky ways to absolutely CRUSH your confidence.
So, how do we fight back? How do we find the motivation to press forward even when we feel like everyone’s ten steps ahead and there’s not an original bone in our body?
Well, I’ll tell you what I do at least.
(Authenticity, you beautiful thing, there you are rescuing me again!)
I know it’s probably bad form to talk about all this on the day I’m re-launching a shop full of, yes, digital products, but that’s why in some ways I think it’s even more important to talk about.
We all know I’m certainly not the only one writing e-books and building online courses and designing worksheets on the internet. FAR from it, as I’ve pointed out.
But what keeps me making them is the fact that I love it. That I truly believe in the power that these resources can provide in the form of knowledge and support and motivation. More importantly, though, I believe in the unique spin I’m able to bring to everything I create.
THAT is what I want you to remember when the comparison gremlins come knocking. I want you to remember that:
It’s the secret family recipe that keeps your customers begging for more. The thing that keeps your tribe coming back AND (conveniently enough) the one thing that no one can steal from you.
But here’s the realllllly important caveat to using your secret sauce to stand out in a sea of seemingly similar businesses:
“YOU have to believe you’re special before anyone else will.”
When I say that, I don’t mean it like a vague inspirational poster. I mean it like a direct order handed down from a drill sergeant. An imperative statement. I’m writing it again just to make sure it really sinks in:
When you’re floating aimlessly in a sea of self-doubt, you have to anchor yourself to reality with the unwavering belief that no one else on this earth can do what you do quite LIKE you do it.
Otherwise, it’s just too easy to get swept away by comparison. It’s too easy to feel like it’s all been said, it’s all been written, it’s all been done.
(And if that comparison keeps you from creating the beautiful work that I know is in you, well all of us are going to be the poorer for it.)
To put it simply: The best way to be original is to ignore what everyone else is doing.
To remember that your uniqueness is inherent, innate, and indelible.
To press forward towards your dreams with vision and confidence, regardless of if those around you are pointed in the same direction.
I know we’re just talking e-books and online courses here, but on days when I get discouraged that maybe I have nothing new to say, I remember that I have A LOT to say about not having anything new to say, and that just might be MY secret sauce. 🙂
Then, do whatever you need to do to really believe that.
We’ve reached peak Hustle Porn. It seems if you aren’t working incredibly long hours, you simply aren’t working hard enough on your idea. If you aren’t constantly “grinding” and “putting in work” then you’re destined to fail.
Your business isn’t making enough money? You obviously aren’t hustling enough.
Do you know where trying to constantly hustle led me?
I had to stop working like I thought I should (and saw others doing). I had to redefine what hustling meant to me.
And yes, I completely made up the term “hustle bro.”
Listen, I love Gary Vaynerchuk as much as the next entrepreneur. I’d even call Gary a friend. But that guy plays on a different level than we do. He also has huge teams of people at his side. Gary can do what he does (constant hustle) because of a lot of behind-the-scenes factors. Oh, and let’s also not forget his DNA, which he openly admits is unique to him. Gary is the type of guy who has been wired for hustle since he was a little kid.
You and I are not Gary Vaynerchuk. We shouldn’t aspire to work like him. We should find our own version of hustle and work in a way that feels congruent with who we are as people.
There are so many inspirational quotes about working hard and hustling and making sacrifices and blah blah blah. Yes, some of this stuff can be helpful at certain times. But make sure you’re running your business (or your life) your way. Just because you work 90 hours a week doesn’t mean you’re going to be successful. Even if you model your work off of someone else who is successful, there are too many other factors at play that you can’t replicate.
Absolutely not. Most businesses require a lot of extra hours to reach certain milestones and desired levels of success. But there must be a balance. You simply can’t keep burning the candle at both ends and working until your fingers bleed (if you’re reading this and bleeding, please call a doctor immediately).
What I’m advocating is counteracting the time you overwork with time to underwork. I know exactly how it feels to see a never-ending to-do list. I know what the financial crunch feels like. I know how it can feel to think that just a few more hours of hustle will get you where you need to be.
You can’t pay your mortgage with hard work. You can’t buy groceries with a few extra hours of effort. You aren’t going to be happy with your business (or life) if you’re constantly working.
Hustling can provide you with experience. It can help you learn lessons. It will open doors that might otherwise be closed. But again, you have to hustle in a way that makes you feel like you aren’t overextending yourself and going to an unhealthy place.
Last year I took a break from social media for 30 days. During that time I found a new sense of clarity on my personal (and business) values. I slept better than I had in a long time. I started appreciating things in my life more that weren’t on a digital screen. Oh, and I came up with a business idea that brought in more than $40,000 in revenue. Not too shabby.
With a break in 2015, I stumbled into what could be labeled as my biggest and craziest idea ever, (buymyfuture).
Rarely does anyone come up with a great idea while pulling an all-nighter or after 14 straight hours of staring at a computer screen. All of my great ideas have come at times when I haven’t been working myself over time. I’ve just shared two examples, and I could go on. I never have groundbreaking ideas when I’m stressed to the max and overstimulated.
I believe in the hustle, but I also believe in balancing out the hustle with rest. Listen to your mind and body. Take breaks. Enjoy life. Realize that you don’t have to work every hour of every day just because some people think that’s a cool thing to do.
Take a moment to define what hustle means to you, then hustle that way.
Do you know the feeling I’m talking about? Uninspired. Unmotivated. UN-everything.
It happens every couple of months or so for me, but when it hits, man-oh-man am I a picnic to be around! [Sarcasm Alert]
The problem with being an (admittedly) highly emotional person is that when your emotions feel out of whack, it affects nearly every aspect of your life: Your relationships, your work, your overall energy.
Thankfully, I know myself well enough now to know when The Funk is starting to creep in, and to fight The Funk I intentionally take some extra time for myself. (ps. Someone needs to start a band called Fight The Funk. You’re welcome.)
During that time to myself, I do my best to shut out the noise, reconnect with my core, and listen to what my emotions are telling me.
So, last week, I took a few days off of social media. I stopped doing my daily lettering practice. I let my emails pile up. And instead of spending time sending all my energy outward, I did my best to focus on sending my energy inward.
Wrong. ?
By the end of the week, I wasn’t feeling more clarity or peace. Instead, I was starting to feel guilty for needing so much. So much time, so much solitude, so much attention.
And, if I’m being honest, I was starting to feel a bit ashamed too. Ashamed that I’m such a sensitive person. Embarrassed that my actions, productivity and overall behavior are dictated so much by my mood and emotions. I felt sorry for my partner, Jason, and for my roommates who had to bear witness to a version of myself that most certainly did NOT feel vibrant.
“Why can’t I just snap out of it,” I would think to myself, a thought that only sent my mood further down the spiral, by the way.
But, just when I was feeling beyond frustrated by my inability to shake The Funk, I stumbled across this article titled: Are you a sensitive entrepreneur? How to live more and stress less. (I clicked on that link faster than you can say soulful creative!)
In the article, Racheal, an entrepreneur and yogi, talks about how she’s had to cope with anxiety in a world of family members and colleagues telling her to “toughen up” or “get a thicker skin.” This paragraph in particular is what finally flipped on the light bulb for me:
“These days I’ve found a sweet spot for living with my anxiety. I actually have come to appreciate and honor this part of myself. Attempting to dull it or numb it out is NOT that answer {for me}. I’ve come to realize that I’m simply more sensitive to certain energies and must live + work in a way that allows me to be my best self without apology.
My anxiety is my personal internal monitoring system that lets me know when my life is out of balance, when I’m not living in alignment with my values + desires, or when I’m saying YES to things that aren’t in my best interest.”
This was so important for me to read because Racheal has come to embrace her sensitivity AND the anxiety that it brings her because she’s able to see that it also brings her value. The thing that makes it hard to cope sometimes is also the same thing that keeps her true to herself.
Her words felt like the exact courage I needed just when I was getting down on myself. And it also brought me back to a perspective-changing insight that struck me years ago, one that I want to share with you:
Including all of mine. Including all of yours.
Being so incredibly sensitive to the energy around me, to my own mood, etc., YES, it can sometimes feel like a burden. It can be inconvenient. It can cause tension in my relationships. (Jason, if you’re reading this, I know it’s not easy to navigate my minefield of emotions but I’m grateful for the love and effort you bring to the table every day!)
BUT it is also the same personality trait that makes me compassionate, empathetic and able to appreciate depth. And those are things I take pride in.
Things we wish were different sometimes. Things we think we want to change.
But, for every trait that we consider a flaw, I’m willing to bet that same trait is responsible for an asset too. I bet it can be traced to something we hold dear about ourselves, and something that others hold dear about us too:
What makes a person sensitive can also be what makes them compassionate and deep.Â
What makes a person competitive can also be what makes them driven and strong-willed.Â
What makes a person indecisive can also be what makes them open-minded.Â
Take something that might make you feel judged or weak or ashamed, and see if you can’t find a way to also see that thing as a strength.
I want you to also do that for someone else in your life. Maybe it’s an annoyance you have with your partner or spouse that you can start to see from a different perspective. Maybe it’s a flaw you’ve seen in a friend or your mother or that coworker across the hall.
Part of walking through life gracefully is accepting ourselves fully and in turn accepting the fullness of the people we love. That doesn’t mean that flaws don’t exist; it only means we have to try and see them in a different light.
Hoping this perspective brings you more peace in your relationship with yourself and with others.
And if you too are in a funk for any reason, take it from me, feeling guilty for being who you are will only make it worse. Give yourself space and grace and permission to feel what you feel, and then remember: this too shall pass. ?
I’ve always been fascinated by the music industry. Not necessarily the labels, insane deals, and celebrity status but more the process of how a new album or song is created.
See, for the most part, musicians create their songs and albums in relative isolation. It’s not uncommon to have an artist drop off the map for a year or two, then out of nowhere come out with a chart-topping album garnering multiple hits, copious amounts of radio play, and appearances galore. But the really interesting thing about this process is that we—as consumers of music—rarely ever see any iteration or minimum viable versions of a musician’s product.
When an album is finished, it’s finished. All of the years of writing, recording, working with producers, management, and labels culminate in a single release. And despite any issues they have with how the process turned out, there’s no way of actually changing or updating any of the music they’ve created. Other than a re-release down the line, once an album is out, the artist moves into a purely promotional stage of their business.
In a lot of ways, this is the opposite of the current methodologies that people preach on creating businesses—specifically online products and services.
Despite all the preaching about sharing your work, seeing how the music industry works has made me wonder if there aren’t benefits to working in isolation. Can letting people into your work and process too early on be detrimental to your end product?
I think the main difference between music and online business can be boiled down to one key fact: Music is art. And the majority of art is created without feedback and unsolicited criticism. It’s up to the artist (and their close circle of confidants and collaborators) to decide what unique product they’re going to create and put out into the world.
On the other hand, online businesses rely heavily on feedback from the very beginning, iterating their idea as they go along.
Now, while the right kind of feedback can help shape your company and push you in the right direction, where feedback becomes incredibly dangerous is when an artist (musician or business owner) takes criticism from the wrong person or at the wrong time.
But how do you know when you’re ready for feedback? And who you should seek out for the most beneficial criticism?
Do you want to get feedback from your ideal customers? Absolutely.
Do you want to get feedback from someone who has created something similar to what you’re building? Yes, that could definitely be helpful.
Do you want to get feedback from a friend, family member, or acquaintance on social media who have no experience with what you’re building and won’t be your potential customer? No. That is dangerous feedback.
You’ll never hear a musician’s work before it’s finished. Once you hear it, it’s been through all the feedback and criticism that matters to get it to a completed (and promotable) state.
But for those of us building a business or creating something online, we’ll often go to a friend, family member, or acquaintance on social media first. While the intentions of those people are in the right place, unfortunately, the outcome of the feedback they give can be disastrous.
When I was starting my IWearYourShirt business back in 2008, I individually emailed a list of about 100 personal contacts. My business was merely an idea with a website. It didn’t even have a single paying customer at the time. In the emails I sent, I was asking people for feedback and for potential introductions to customers who might be interested in the unique social media marketing services I was offering.
The feedback from the people closest to me was something along the lines of, “Jason, are you sure you want to do this crazy idea? It sounds really out there.” Or, “I don’t think this idea can work nowadays.” Or, “Stay with the job you have right now, it’s doing well.”
These comments came directly from family members, close friends, and acquaintances I trusted, BUT (and this is a huge but) these people were not my potential customers or people who had experience building unique businesses.
To take their feedback to heart would have derailed my new idea. Luckily, I was keenly aware of this and was able to take their feedback with a grain of salt and not let it demotivate me. Had I taken their feedback honestly and in high regard I would never have built a $1M business that garnered worldwide attention.
Unfortunately, for every story like my own, I’m sure there are a lot of people in the online (and small) business space who are taking feedback from the wrong people and it’s setting them up for failure. There’s even a term for this condition that the authors of the book Think Like A Freak helped promote: ultracrepidarianism.
Ultracrepidarianism, what a word, huh?
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions and advice on matters outside of one’s knowledge.
I hadn’t heard this term before reading their book and I’m going to assume the majority of you haven’t either. Ironically, although we don’t know the term, we’re all too aware of people who fit the description.
So how can you, if you’re creating a product or service of your own, avoid taking the wrong feedback from the ultracrepidarians of the world?
When receiving any feedback, look at it through this very important lens, which we can frame as a couple questions:
Feedback has a 10th-degree black belt in the art of derailing progress.
Feedback doesn’t come in one, singular form. Feedback could be the thoughts and opinions of the people around you, but it can also be a vehicle for avoiding doing the actual work. I know there have been many times in my career when I had a huge task ahead of me, and because it was daunting, I’d instead share work I’d already done with friends to get positive reinforcement.
For many creators and entrepreneurs, that singular moment could be the roundhouse kick that completely stops a project in its tracks. They don’t get the support they were searching for and instead get criticized.
You don’t have thick enough mental armor to block the attacks of feedback. Especially from non-credible sources.
When a musician is working on their music, they take advice from experienced writers, producers, and fellow musicians. They certainly aren’t asking someone who’s never heard their music or has zero experience in their industry for feedback.
We should follow this same advice for our businesses. Take feedback from sources that have experience in what we are trying to do or build. Seek those people out first. Build a trust circle.
The next time you get feedback—whether you asked for it or not—ask yourself the questions above. If the feedback doesn’t fit, then don’t waste a single moment with it. If it does, apply it (using your own good judgment, of course) and keep working on whatever new project you’re building.
We actually affectionately refer to this event as our Creative New Year because it always feels like a fresh start as we return to our daily lives inspired, excited and deeply changed by the experience.
MisfitCon is unlike any other event I’ve ever been to. Every detail is carefully thought of, no moment or experience too small to consider. There is always a balance between quality, hand-crafted, refined art and wildly imaginative, no-holds-barred experiences. For example, you’ll be sipping on a cocktail that was carefully created and concocted by an award-winning mixologist just for the event, while you find yourself in an about-to-be-demolished high school, custom Misfit-inspired graffiti covering every inch of the walls, watching a talented local break-dancing crew show off their moves up and down the halls. And that’s just ONE PARTY. All five days are filled with magical moments stacked end to end just like that. (For some visual reference, feel free to flip through my friend, C.C. Chapman’s Flickr photos from the event.)
The speakers are what really get me though. The inspiring stories of other people – most of whom I didn’t even know existed in the world – that’s what I really come for year after year. They tend to be the most eclectic group of change-makers I’ve ever seen grace a stage. This year’s line-up included: Breifne from Pedal the Planet who went from the brink of suicide to cycling around the entire globe (18,000 miles so far); Katrin, founder of Projects For All, who travels the world bringing accessible technology and education to those who need it; Akala, artistic director of the Hip-Hop Shakespeare Company and one of the most passionate people I’ve ever met, who educates young people about historical, racial, and political issues by combining Shakespeare’s works and hip-hop music. Musicians, web developers, investors, teachers, policy-makers, actors, authors, artists, the list goes on…
…oh, and then… little old me.
I was shocked (and of course beyond delighted) when AJ and Melissa reached out to me, asking if I’d be willing to share my story with the crowd at MisfitCon.
It’s no exaggeration to say that attending the event in 2013 changed my life in a profound way. Quite simply, there would be no Made Vibrant without MisfitCon, and I wanted to share the story of my journey to becoming an artist with people that I knew could benefit from hearing it.
But, as I sat in the audience, waiting for my turn to stand before the crowd, my heart began to race.Â
I watched speaker after speaker blow the audience away with their commitment to impacting the world and tales from their personal stories of tragedy and triumph. They all seemed so strong. So powerful. So clear in their mission and purpose.
And, like any human, despite my best efforts to stay present, I began to wonder how I might stack up. I could already see my hands trembling, my voice losing its resolve.Hold it together, Caroline, I said to myself. Just get up there and tell them your story.Â
I got so nervous and insecure about my place in all of that magic. I felt weaker, less prepared, more out of place with every speaker that went before me.
That’s when last week’s email newsletter shot into my head. Draw strength from your core, I said to myself. Your true self is where you get your power, not your weakness. If you stand up there and own your truth, there’s no fear to be had in that.
As AJ called me up to the stage, my knees nearly buckled.
I could feel the emotion within me rising to the surface of my somewhat composed exterior. Here I was, standing on the very stage that had changed my life two years prior, talking to the very people that had changed my life two years prior. Of course the significance of that was overwhelming. In that moment all I could think to do was acknowledge the feelings that were no doubt going to show themselves any second anyway. To bridle my fear, I simply told the truth:
“Fair warning: I’m a highly emotional person, so if I start spontaneously crying throughout this talk, nobody panic,” I said. “We’re going to get through this together.”
The crowd chuckled as the tears already began to well into my eyes, but I wasn’t fearful of what that might mean anymore. I was there to tell the truth, whatever uncomfortable emotions might accompany that truth.
See, I’ve come to understand something about my true core being. My heart is like a magnet for deep, stirring energy. It’s like an exposed nerve, sensitive to every emotional impulse that comes my way. As a result, when something moves me, I feel it in every fiber of my body and that emotion has to go somewhere. There’s no use in trying to stop it anymore.
I don’t remember that much about what I said, but I do remember looking out into the audience and seeing the faces of those that were clearly being affected by what I was saying. There were nods of validation and tears of resonance.
In the neurotic inner battle that led up to my talk, I told myself my emotional nature would hold me back from communicating effectively. I convinced myself that if I didn’t appear stoic or confident, that my message might be lost in the shuffle of the rest of the speakers.
What I found instead was the complete opposite.
Throughout the course of the four days after my talk, person after person would tap me on the shoulder or stop me at a party and simply say “Thank you.” (To my complete disbelief, some of those people being the exact speakers I was comparing myself to earlier.)
They understood my message because they could feel my message.
It wasn’t until then that it occurred to me that showing that kind of emotion (we’re talking streaming tears here, people) on a public stage is rarely seen.
That exposed nerve part of me – the part I was convinced would be my greatest weakness on stage – actually turned out to be my greatest strength.
The point is this:
We all have our insecurities. The things that we fear will make us feel different or rejected.Â
But in many ways, to be different in this world doesn’t have to be a liability; it can actually be an asset. To stand out is to be unmistakable. To be memorable. To be yourself.
And being memorable is the first step to creating connection and impact, especially if you stand out for being unapologetically authentic.
I had no choice but to share my emotions with that crowd because that emotional sensitivity is what makes me who I am. I’m realizing more and more that to feel and to share is part of why I’m here on this earth.
“Consider the fact that what you count as a flaw might actually be your greatest gift.”
In what ways can you leverage a perceived weakness and turn it into a strength?
I’m sad most of you guys won’t be able to experience the life-changing five days that I just had, but I encourage you to seek out those transformational experiences in your own life.
You never know where they will take you.
Whether you’re starting your own business or you’re simply striving for a more happy, vibrant life in general, it’s likely that rejection is going to hit you at some point along your journey.
So today I want to share with you some personal instances of my own rejection. I want to talk about how I experience that kind of disappointment, and then the system I’ve developed for dealing with it.
About a year into starting my first creative business, Made Vibrant, an email inquiry landed in my inbox from a HUGE company that I love. To my complete surprise, they had found my work on Instagram and asked me if I’d be interested in doing custom artwork to promote an upcoming event. (And by “upcoming event” I mean an annual conference of over 5,000 attendees. No big deal, right?)
This was a billion dollar company (that’s BILLION, with a B) known for its quality and appreciation for good design, and they were asking to collaborate with me. Say whhhhhhatttt?!
Needless to say, I was over the moon.
But, there at the end of the email were the words I was dreading: “Could you submit a proposal by Thursday?”
“Proposal” is company speak for “we’re considering multiple artists and want to see who’s work is the best fit for the best price.”
And so began my standard descent into self-doubt and fear. I thought, rethought, and overthought this proposal. I calculated the cost of the project based on every method I’ve read about and heard of from fellow colleagues: based on time I thought it would take me to complete the project, based on what I thought my art was worth, based on who the company was, based on where the art would be seen.
I finally came to a number that I felt comfortable with – one that I felt was just out of my comfort zone enough (I’m notoriously bad at under-charging just to avoid the pain of risking rejection) but still reflected a reasonable rate for the project, given the tight turnaround time and usage rights they requested. So, I typed up my proposal, read it over conscientious 32-or-so times, crossed my fingers, and I hit send.
I won’t lie to you, I was SUPER bummed. It would have been an awesome gig. But it sucked a little worse somehow because I felt like I was finally putting on my big girl pants and charging what I feel I’m worth (something that’s not easy for me to do), only to have it seemingly backfire on me.
I’m a sensitive person and so I often feel the weight of things in every fiber of my being. I could sense my brain starting to spiral into all those different places: Should I have charged less? Did they think my work wasn’t good enough? Were they expecting something different from my proposal?
Then I realized what I was doing and had to stop myself.
I had to remind myself that I believed in my price. I believe in my work. And I believe that there will be more opportunities like that in the future. (Not to mention my goal right now is to wind down client work not crank it back up, so it was probably a blessing in disguise.) But, in that moment, it felt nearly impossible to simply brush off the disappointment.
Well, I imagine it works slightly differently for everyone, but I have a 3-step system that brings me back to reality after I’ve experienced some form of rejection, and I’m hoping it might help some of you out there.
I’m not one of those people who can bounce from one emotion to another. I need transition time. “Snap out of it” is just not a realistic thing for me. The only way “out” of my emotions is THROUGH.
So… I don’t fight it. I let myself feel the sadness, the disappointment, the sting. BUT I only allow myself to do it for ten minutes. For those ten gluttonous minutes, I give myself permission to feel whatever I’m feeling before I have to dust myself off and get back on the horse. But, the very second that those ten minutes are up, I know it’s time to move along. I mentally shut the door on the situation, and I place a stickler of a hall monitor right outside that door with explicit instructions not to let myself drift back into the maddening self-doubt waiting inside.
When we experience rejection, a lot of times it can be our first instinct to try and understand WHY. The only problem with that strategy is that oftentimes our self-confidence becomes the victim of that interrogation.
I wasn’t experienced enough.
My work wasn’t polished enough.
I wasn’t confident enough.
My proposal wasn’t thorough enough.Â
Screw that. I am enough. And you are enough too. Something about that particular opportunity wasn’t a good fit, but it shouldn’t discredit all great beliefs you have about yourself and what you can do.
“Don’t let one NO have you rethinking all the other YES’s that have come before and that will come after it.”
To counteract all that and to prevent that destructive self-talk, I force myself to list three reasons why I’m enough. Three reasons why I would have been a great fit for that project. Or why my work matters. (Truth be told, I don’t think we do this enough on a daily basis, be it post-rejection or not.)
Even if you don’t want to dwell on the negative, it’s hard to prevent it, isn’t it?
If I were to try and hop back into my email after that kind of disappointment, no matter how hard I tried I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to shake it. So, to help myself, I move on to something completely different. I do something active, have a dance party, make a piece of art – whatever I can to occupy my mind with something that feels like progress or that lifts my mood to a more positive place.
Before I know it, I’m back in the game and my rejection hasn’t left me questioning everything.
Listen, I know it’s hard putting yourself out there. That custom art project was just one of many rejections I’ve experienced throughout the short life of Made Vibrant.
But we can’t let rejection feed our fear. Fear is the enemy. Of creation, of truth, of GROWTH.
Let’s reframe how we think about rejection. Rejection can actually mean that you’re holding your ground, that you’re dreaming bigger and you’re testing your limits.
“If you’re not experiencing some form of rejection, you’re not challenging the limits of what you think you can accomplish.”
(My friend Tiffany Han knows this better than anyone because she came up with this brilliant program, 100 Rejection Letters – definitely check it out!)
If you haven’t experienced rejection lately, good! But I still want you to list off three reasons why you’re enough. Keep them to yourself, hang them up at your desk, or email me back and share them with me.
I want this week to be an encouragement to you to keep moving forward, despite whatever setbacks have come (or will come your way.)
You are the owner of your life. Never forget that!
Say it with me: I’m not average. I’m special. I’m different.
I live in the camp that we ARE all unique snowflakes. Some folks disagree with that and say that line of thinking can be harmful but screw those people. We are all individuals. We all look different. We all experience life differently. We all have the potential to live fulfilling lives that can make a positive impact on the world.
It’s easy to conform to societal norms:
But you don’t have to stay on the path of average. You don’t have to let other people control your circumstances.
It’s weird to type this, but I teared up while writing those three short phrases at the beginning of this article: I’m not average. I’m special. I’m different. I don’t think I’ve ever actually written them before. I may have said them out loud but it means more to write them down. Writing has a sense of permanence that spoken word doesn’t.
I’ve always felt like I was different from other people. It started for me as a kid when I was—maybe not unlike you—bullied in school. Growing up I was a bit of a gangly mess. I think by age eight I already had size 13 shoes (okay, maybe not that big) and my ears were probably fully grown. I wasn’t taller than the other kids (yet), but parts of my body were definitely not on the same growth patterns as others.
Here’s a photo of me nowadays embracing my awkwardness (with my wife in tow):
Fortunately for me, I had an incredible guiding force in my life when I was a kid: my mom. No matter how bad things got, she was there to support me and help me. I’d love to share the bits of wisdom with you that she shared with me, but the honest truth is that I’ve completely blacked out the memories of the majority of my childhood. That’s not a joke; it’s a hard truth. I’ve locked away a lot of uncomfortable memories in one of those bank vaults with the titanium wheel and fingerprint pad on the outside. Maybe we’ll dig into that issue at a later date, folks.
Nonetheless, I started out very average but was molded into something else by my peers and circumstances throughout my teens. I resisted making friends and clung tightly to the ones I trusted. I tried not to excel at much of anything for fear of more bullying.
In a not-so-average-twist-of-fate, I scored 1430 on my PSATs in high school (1600 was perfect at my time of taking them). I was in an SAT planning class, and when I got my score a couple guys who were on the high school basketball team with me made fun of me and called me a nerd. If you can imagine trying to be a jock, but then being called a nerd in front of your peers (by your supposed co-jocks), it was painful. When I took the actual SATs, however, I purposefully breezed through it—scoring a very average 1050. I didn’t intentionally organize this decline in test scoring, but I’m 99% certain my subconscious took the reins and made it happen.
I remember getting my average SAT scores and showing them to my fellow co-jocks like a badge of honor. “Look at this 1050, it’s completely average! I’m not a nerd anymore right??” I didn’t want to be made fun of, so I managed to fit perfectly in the middle, hidden away from nerd-criticism.
In college, I coasted through classes, friendships, relationships, mediocre part-time jobs, all to make sure that I stayed right in the line of average. Sure, there were blips of standing out—like that time my friend Alun and I decided we’d bleach our hair and dye in some leopard spots (still sorry about that, Grampa). Or when I got my ears pierced. Or when I wore parachute pants and puffy vests. It was the early 2000s people, give me a break.
But then something happened. A moment in time that I can picture with absolutely perfect detail. The moment I decided not to let external influences keep me in a state of average any longer.
I was sitting at the desk of my perfectly average 9–5 job right out of college. I can still remember the beige desk, beige chair and the beige carpeted half-wall that surrounded me. My office was a literal emobodiment of average. Then there were my starchy gray dress pants and blue button up shirt from Express. Also, extremely average.
Where was the not-so-average moment, you ask?
Somehow a copy of Seth Godin’s book The Purple Cow ended up in my beige existence.
If you’ve read The Purple Cow, you know where this is headed. If you haven’t, just know that Seth talks about standing out from a crowd of normal (average) black and white cows and becoming a “purple cow.” Here’s the singular takeaway for me while reading Seth’s book: “I want to be a Purple Cow. No, you know what? I am a Purple Cow.”
(Sorry Mom!)
This is a memory I can recall clear as day. In the middle of reading this small hardcover purple book written by some bald guy I’d only just recently heard of, I said to myself, “F*$k being average. I’m different. I’m special.”
It was in that moment that I created the tiny snowball-sized idea in my mind that would eventually turn into a roaring avalanche of difference.
I didn’t want to be average anymore. I didn’t want to hold myself back from standing out. I wanted to embrace my difference.
This was a pivotal shift in my life. For the first time, I was going to completely buck the system and abandon the security and stability of the average American Dream. I was going to start my own business. I was going to be different. I was going to strive to do bigger things with my life. I was going to throw away my starchy gray pants and get some sexy salmon pants! (Okay, truthfully, I still don’t own sexy salmon pants.)
From that moment forward, I’ve pushed as many proverbial envelopes as possible. I’ve taken more entrepreneurial risks than many people will take in their lifetimes. I’ve refused to settle for average.
I don’t think you should settle for average either. We all have own our unique differences. It can be uncomfortable to embrace who you truly are, but it’s time to show the world your true colors.
My wife Caroline had a great quote about not being average:
“When we play small, nobody wins. We miss out on realizing our potential and the world misses out on all the great things we can create when we’re living out the fullest, brightest expression of our gifts.”
Stop pretending to be someone you’re not for fear of ridicule or criticism. Don’t waste your time surrounding yourself with people who make fun of you for being yourself. In fact, one of the best things you can do for yourself in this lifetime is to quit your crappy friends.
You don’t have to let other people control your circumstances. You don’t have to continue to do things the same way you’ve done them before. You alone can decide your future, you just have to let go of your past and take action (which won’t be easy, but is absolutely doable).
You are not average. You are special. You are different. And so am I.
Luck has this amazing ability to show up after all the hard work has been put in, and often times after someone has lost hope that their effort will pay off.
Disclaimer: I want to make it clear that I do believe in luck when it comes to avoiding disasters or being born into a situation with privileges and advantages.
For as long as I can remember, the saying, “you just got lucky” or “that person is so lucky” has always made me cringe. I’ve never believed in luck—let me explain why.
Or, in many cases, it’s a crapload of effort.
When someone hits the game winning 3-pointer in basketball, it’s not luck that makes the shot go in. It’s the 500 3-pointers that athlete has shot every day, consistently, for years. It’s the muscle memory the athlete developed over thousands of painstaking hours. There’s not some miracle wisp of wind (luck) that floats the ball into the hoop.
When someone’s business starts to take off people immediately jump on the luck bandwagon. (In this scenario luck is the exact same thing as overnight success.) Even if a company goes “viral” at launch, there’s still an immense amount of planning, preparation, coordination, and previous successes (and failures) behind the scenes. It’s not luck. It’s organization and execution.
Look at any best-selling author … EVER. Not one of them sat down and wrote a book, got it published, and then sat back and watched as it became a New York Times best-seller.
Yet people call authors like Seth Godin, J.K. Rowling, and many others “lucky.” Seth and J.K. (we’re on a first-name basis because we’re author buddies, obvs) both got rejected by publishers countless times. Heck, Seth Godin got rejected a staggering 800 times while working as a book packager. 800! And he’s lucky? Hell no he’s not. He’s a hard-working author who got what he earned from persistence and effort.
I could go on with examples. Maybe the only people who truly could be deemed lucky are lottery winners. However, the majority of lottery winners (a high majority) have played for years and invested thousands of dollars. Many lottery winners have strategies, systems, and complex buying patterns. Sure, there are a few people who’ve bought a single ticket and won the lottery, but that’s unbelievably rare and they still had to buy the damn ticket.
The only time luck shows up is after you’ve gone far enough in whatever you’re working on that you deserve recognition on some level.
For me, some “luck” arrived on November 3, 2012, when I launched my BuyMyLastName project and asked the world to bid on my last name. In the first 24 hours, the bidding had climbed from $0 to over $30,000! A lot of people called that luck. LUCK? I’d been working 14-16 hours every day for the previous four years with my IWearYourShirt business, building a following and a community that gained attention in the media. Luck didn’t have anything to do with it. About 5,000 hours of effort and the balls to put a crazy idea out into the world—that’s what made the difference.
The illusion of luck can consume you if you’re not careful. If you buy into it, you’ll end up sitting idly on the sidelines, while the dedicated, hustling, hard-working people pass you by on their road to success.
It’s like Coleman Cox said in 1922: “I am a great believer in luck. The harder I work, the more of it I seem to have.”
Don’t sit around waiting for the luck-train to arrive at the station. Luck is for leprechauns and cereals with marshmallows in them.
For the rest of us, luck is the result of hard work, patience, and persistence.
